ZYCERAK THREAD
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good luck with the podiatrist
edit: psychiatrist
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ZYCERAK UPDATE:
I have been thinking pretty obsessively about having combined ADHD and autism (or "AuDHD" for slang) these past few days, at every waking minute.
I've always related to aspects of ADHD and autism separately, but not as a whole. Since recently, I have been treating AuDHD as a third seperate thing, and it makes the most sense out of everything I've seen. It would explain all of my behaviour across my entire lifetime.
I really DON'T want to be autistic. I have prejudice. But nothing else can explain why every social interaction I've had takes a tremendous amount of cognitive effort. Why I never felt comfortable in public. Why I have such a cognitive, logical understanding of other people's emotions but can't parse my own. Why I've felt alien and can't make friends or feel like I belong. Why I've never felt love. I can go on, but there's too much it explains, in tandem with ADHD. Normal autistic people are freaks, but I think I feel autism in a more niche and esoteric way that makes me better than everyone else with autism.
I've been masking something my whole life, but I never thought it was autism. I just knew, logically and cognitively, that I never feel like myself. I assumed everyone hid themselves from everyone else, and all social interaction was just some elaborate act. I never understood why everyone would unanimously and automatically decide to keep that mask up if it made themselves as uncomfortable as I felt. I was always hiding or manipulating my behaviour in such a way to make myself presentable. I've done it for so long that I don't even think about it. I've gotten good at it, and it doesn't bother me as much as it used to. I am so used to struggle at every social interaction that I have become numb to it, and I just assume everyone else struggles as much and I'm just weaker.
I am going to a psychiatrist in a month and I am placing a lot of importance on it. I am scared, I feel like I will have to defend myself like I'm on trial, to prove I'm effed up somehow. But I am so desperate. If I am not diagnosed with anything, that means I will have to live the rest of my life like this, and I can't live like this. I really can't, I dread every single day I have to wake up and be this person I never wanted to be.
I am optimistic though, because it makes so much sense. I hear ADHD and autism work together as one unit, and they kind of mask each other, and that makes a lot of sense to me. ADHD takes the shape of anxiety, which makes sense because I never felt like it was anxiety, especially not since being medicated for anxiety. I know what anxiety is because I felt it, I cured it, and it's gone. But something different still persists that feels a lot like a cognitive anxiety without the emotional load
Do you guys think I could be autistic based on the way I present myself in this community?
I am scared people will be able to tell. I have always tried very hard to make myself socially presentable. I am scared that I will get diagnosed with AuDHD, get medication for ADHD, no longer feel compelled to micro-manage myself, and start to behave more autistically. I do not want my parents to know. But I suppose if the medication works in the way I want it to, I won't have to care about other people anymore.
And I really don't want to care about other people, but something compels me to. This mismatch between cognitive, felt beliefs and my body's biological, emotional response has always been present. I've always cried without feeling sad, and I've always felt sad without crying, for example. And I am always the most uncomfortable when other people exhibit strong emotions.
My body cares, but I don't, and I want my body to follow. I want to find out who I am, desperately. AuDHD gives me hope, and that hope outweighs the distaste I have in the "autism" label.
So I have been thinking about it a lot recently, its the only thing on my mind. Thats whats up. Its a really weird feeling. Ive always felt like Ive been living a lie, but now that lie feels real. I thought I was just lying about lying. ive always felt different, like I never belonged, but I thought I was just being dramatic. So Ive tried convincing myself Im normal for a long time but that never sat right with me. Now it feels explainable, like Yes it's actually possible that everything I've ever felt is valid, and not some fantasy nonsense I devoted my life to just for attention.
Its been a weird feeling. Like Ive wasted my whole life up to this point, and my life will only just start after a diagnosis. Im being reborn but I am still in the womb scared Ill get aborted. But it makes so much sense, too much sense.
I never felt like I got to start living my life, and now that there's hope that I can, I am scared of what I will become. I am scared of who I might be. I am really scared of a new self that makes people uncomfortable. But people seem to like me more when I inhibit myself less, especially online where I feel much less inhibited. I have always sacrificed my own comfort, assuming the discomfort I felt was weakness. If I clutch an autism diagnosis I will feel strong again. Because I think I mask really well, I think I am so smart and I might be the best masker known to man, and that will give me great pride. Giving myself permission to make other people uncomfortable is very challenging though.
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@EGRIFFITH said in ZYCERAK THREAD:
@Zycerak no matter what happens you are still my goat
Don't forget that he mugged me a few years ago
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Running through your woes like yo hoes.
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ZYCERAK UPDATE:
this forum is like infinitely better than the other one why didn't i switch here earlier -
What's up Zycerak? Sorry for saying your uncle or something like that of yours died. It wasn't true, and I shouldn't have lied about something so hurtful. I hope your Unc is doing ok! You on the other hand? I hope you're doing well too. I guess...
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What's up Zycerak? Sorry for saying your uncle or something like that of yours died. It wasn't true, and I shouldn't have lied about something so hurtful. I hope your Unc is doing ok! You on the other hand? I hope you're doing well too. I guess...
Hey Eryp,
I just wanted to start my replying by saying I am doing great, thank you for asking. I hope you are doing well.
On the other hand, what are you talking about? What uncle? You lied? When? I upvoted your post because I respect you but I don't know how to respond.
Sorry if this is not the response you were anticipated. You don't need to clarify or respond to this, because I do not care. It's polite to leave a response, and I wanted to be open and truthful because I respect you.
Cheers,
Zycerak -
ZYCERAK UPDATE:
I secured a prescription for Vyvanse from the 11th greatest psychiatrist in all of Red Deer.
It was quick, efficient. Two phone calls. He obeyed my every command. I felt powerful, in control.
First phone call: He asks why I called. He's giving me permission to guide the conversation, state my demands. I told him I need drugs. Badly. "Well... why do you think you have ADHD." "Uh... I am bad at focusing. Like I procrastinated a lot. I feel bad sometimes." "ADHD is typically diagnosed in childhood, so it's unusual. But I treat everyone from age 6 to uhh.. 57. So... I don't know. Go to my website
WWW.[redacted for privacy!].COM. - Download my content - Tap that notification bell Then call my number to receive your shot of winning a one month supply of stimulants 
Second phone call: I returned the completed contents through two separate channels. He did not receive it in time. I had to send to his personal email. He spelled it out to me, but he was saying letters and words, two things at once I couldn't understand. Got forms, skimmed forms, said ok that's yeah those are results, theres ones and twos and threes and even fours, so yeah. Let me know the name of your Pharmacy I'll send them a prescription.
No tricks, no games, straight to the point. Later that day, walked to the pharmacy, the drugs were waiting for me. I paid $22 for them, which is also the grand total throughout the entire process as the initial consultations and psychiatry were free. Thank you Tommy Douglas!
The trial begins tomorrow. Is this the solution to all of my grievances that I've been waiting for? Or am I placing my hope in a false prophet set on destroying my life? Stay tuned for the next Zycerak Update
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Zycerak are us
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ZYCERAK UPDATE:
I secured a prescription for Vyvanse from the 11th greatest psychiatrist in all of Red Deer.
It was quick, efficient. Two phone calls. He obeyed my every command. I felt powerful, in control.
First phone call: He asks why I called. He's giving me permission to guide the conversation, state my demands. I told him I need drugs. Badly. "Well... why do you think you have ADHD." "Uh... I am bad at focusing. Like I procrastinated a lot. I feel bad sometimes." "ADHD is typically diagnosed in childhood, so it's unusual. But I treat everyone from age 6 to uhh.. 57. So... I don't know. Go to my website
WWW.[redacted for privacy!].COM. - Download my content - Tap that notification bell Then call my number to receive your shot of winning a one month supply of stimulants Second phone call: I returned the completed contents through two separate channels. He did not receive it in time. I had to send to his personal email. He spelled it out to me, but he was saying letters and words, two things at once I couldn't understand. Got forms, skimmed forms, said ok that's yeah those are results, theres ones and twos and threes and even fours, so yeah. Let me know the name of your Pharmacy I'll send them a prescription.
No tricks, no games, straight to the point. Later that day, walked to the pharmacy, the drugs were waiting for me. I paid $22 for them, which is also the grand total throughout the entire process as the initial consultations and psychiatry were free. Thank you Tommy Douglas!
The trial begins tomorrow. Is this the solution to all of my grievances that I've been waiting for? Or am I placing my hope in a false prophet set on destroying my life? Stay tuned for the next Zycerak Update
I've heard a lot of good stuff about Vyvanse, I hope it helps!
My psychiatrist prescribed it to me and it helped me focus but also gave me panic attacks every day, so I ended up on Focalin instead. This isn't to say that the Vyvanse won't work, but just to share that things are always a bit different for everyone and almost everyone ends up with someone that helps them.
Anyway good luck Mr. Zycerak
