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Zycerak

ZYCERAK UPDATE:

I have found the cure to autism

Zycerak

I was inspired so I actually made a chart of my favourite albums from each year I was alive RIGHT NOW

Zycerak

2020: Onwards We Trudge (live) - David Thomas Broughton
2021: Evil Eye - MIKE
2022: A Gente Acaba (Vento Em Rosa) - Alabaster DePlume
2023: (tie) Set estragado 1.0 - d.silvestre
2023: (tie) Healing - Rahill
2024: 2TwinDracos - Khadija Al Hanafi
2025: Orange (live) - Adrianne Lenker

I have not listened to a single track from 2026

Ive seen something similar where people share their favourite albums from each year they were alive for in a topsters, I kinda want to make one

Here is my chart from this week tho:

Zycerak

@Volund

loge_0

@Ness awesome!!

loge_0

i doubt there'd be anyone on these forums that isn't already aware of this but just in case, the 2026 GHOSTING COLLAB is currently in the works. also posting this here cause the final track is gonna go on freerider.app (i hope) (lol)

original post from the lame forums:

what is the ghosting collab?
the ghosting collab is a thing that the community does every so often where we get together and make a really long and hard track! here are some examples of previous ghosting collabs:
2014 - https://www.freeriderhd.com/t/50123
2015 - https://www.freeriderhd.com/t/676621
2017 - https://www.freeriderhd.com/t/464513
2020 - https://www.freeriderhd.com/t/730436
to give you an idea of how these tracks play, here's RedOrBlue ghosting the most recent ghosting collab, the 2020 one.

why are you hosting this?
well, it's been a while since the last ghosting collab got finished, and i think one in the current era of the game could be neat. i believe this is also the first attempt at hosting one of these since the freerider.app editor came out, so i believe this one will be extra interesting with all the new tools available to us.
why hasn't there been any since 2020?
simply put, we tried. there have been two (?) other attempts at hosting the ghosting collab since 2020, but they unfortunately fell through. this is the first one that i've hosted, so this year i will try really hard to make sure this one gets completed.
how do i join?
just make a post in this thread letting us know that you're in, and you're part of the collab!
how is this even going to work?
previous ghosting collaborations have been made by one person receiving the code, adding their part, then getting the code passed on to the next person. however, this approach is vulnerable to dragging out the process, flakey collab members, etc. so this year i'm going to host it similar to how the This Can't Be Real Life community collab was constructed.
https://www.freeriderhd.com/t/727034-this-cant-be-real-life
basically you guys will make your part separately and send them to me, and i will stich them all together into one track!
what should i put in my part?
just like previous collabs, anything goes. you could put in some really hard trial stuff, you could even make something really easy! that is also allowed. your part is allowed to have anything you like as long as it is possible with both bikes. this also comes with the caveat that if i don't think your part is good enough, or contains anything i find objectionable, i am allowed to modify anything i like within it. this will rarely happen though, as my standards are not that high and most of you are reasonable (i hope).
**how do i send the collab part to you?**
just send me a forums message with the code of your part. if you don't want to do that for some reason, discord is fine. (my account is @logestt7)
is there a deadline?
i'm gonna make the deadline 12:00 AM (GMT), March 14th. so this gives you roughly two months to work on your part. however if it's clear to a lot of people that they're not finishing their part, then i can extend the deadline.
any other question that someone may have
just ask in this thread and i'll try answer you. don't ask anything stupid though because then i'll call you stupid
people we possibly have working on this:
@loge_0 (me)
triip
@Sir__Human
@Eunos
@TPlacella
@Anonyymi
Cerasium
KidCharlemagne
@Hth
MuchoPanda
@Innominate
JustAGDFan
Egona
@funbunone
@Cryx
Clash06
@Ponjoja
ST4RSWillShine
@Coager
@nitro

eryp

this is revolutionary..... you guys have usurped kano games' mandate of heaven.....

Zycerak

ZYCERAK UPDATE:

I have been thinking pretty obsessively about having combined ADHD and autism (or "AuDHD" for slang) these past few days, at every waking minute.

I've always related to aspects of ADHD and autism separately, but not as a whole. Since recently, I have been treating AuDHD as a third seperate thing, and it makes the most sense out of everything I've seen. It would explain all of my behaviour across my entire lifetime.

I really DON'T want to be autistic. I have prejudice. But nothing else can explain why every social interaction I've had takes a tremendous amount of cognitive effort. Why I never felt comfortable in public. Why I have such a cognitive, logical understanding of other people's emotions but can't parse my own. Why I've felt alien and can't make friends or feel like I belong. Why I've never felt love. I can go on, but there's too much it explains, in tandem with ADHD. Normal autistic people are freaks, but I think I feel autism in a more niche and esoteric way that makes me better than everyone else with autism.

I've been masking something my whole life, but I never thought it was autism. I just knew, logically and cognitively, that I never feel like myself. I assumed everyone hid themselves from everyone else, and all social interaction was just some elaborate act. I never understood why everyone would unanimously and automatically decide to keep that mask up if it made themselves as uncomfortable as I felt. I was always hiding or manipulating my behaviour in such a way to make myself presentable. I've done it for so long that I don't even think about it. I've gotten good at it, and it doesn't bother me as much as it used to. I am so used to struggle at every social interaction that I have become numb to it, and I just assume everyone else struggles as much and I'm just weaker.

I am going to a psychiatrist in a month and I am placing a lot of importance on it. I am scared, I feel like I will have to defend myself like I'm on trial, to prove I'm effed up somehow. But I am so desperate. If I am not diagnosed with anything, that means I will have to live the rest of my life like this, and I can't live like this. I really can't, I dread every single day I have to wake up and be this person I never wanted to be.

I am optimistic though, because it makes so much sense. I hear ADHD and autism work together as one unit, and they kind of mask each other, and that makes a lot of sense to me. ADHD takes the shape of anxiety, which makes sense because I never felt like it was anxiety, especially not since being medicated for anxiety. I know what anxiety is because I felt it, I cured it, and it's gone. But something different still persists that feels a lot like a cognitive anxiety without the emotional load

Do you guys think I could be autistic based on the way I present myself in this community?

I am scared people will be able to tell. I have always tried very hard to make myself socially presentable. I am scared that I will get diagnosed with AuDHD, get medication for ADHD, no longer feel compelled to micro-manage myself, and start to behave more autistically. I do not want my parents to know. But I suppose if the medication works in the way I want it to, I won't have to care about other people anymore.

And I really don't want to care about other people, but something compels me to. This mismatch between cognitive, felt beliefs and my body's biological, emotional response has always been present. I've always cried without feeling sad, and I've always felt sad without crying, for example. And I am always the most uncomfortable when other people exhibit strong emotions.

My body cares, but I don't, and I want my body to follow. I want to find out who I am, desperately. AuDHD gives me hope, and that hope outweighs the distaste I have in the "autism" label.

So I have been thinking about it a lot recently, its the only thing on my mind. Thats whats up. Its a really weird feeling. Ive always felt like Ive been living a lie, but now that lie feels real. I thought I was just lying about lying. ive always felt different, like I never belonged, but I thought I was just being dramatic. So Ive tried convincing myself Im normal for a long time but that never sat right with me. Now it feels explainable, like Yes it's actually possible that everything I've ever felt is valid, and not some fantasy nonsense I devoted my life to just for attention.

Its been a weird feeling. Like Ive wasted my whole life up to this point, and my life will only just start after a diagnosis. Im being reborn but I am still in the womb scared Ill get aborted. But it makes so much sense, too much sense.

I never felt like I got to start living my life, and now that there's hope that I can, I am scared of what I will become. I am scared of who I might be. I am really scared of a new self that makes people uncomfortable. But people seem to like me more when I inhibit myself less, especially online where I feel much less inhibited. I have always sacrificed my own comfort, assuming the discomfort I felt was weakness. If I clutch an autism diagnosis I will feel strong again. Because I think I mask really well, I think I am so smart and I might be the best masker known to man, and that will give me great pride. Giving myself permission to make other people uncomfortable is very challenging though.

eryp

hey man, just checking in. sorry to hear about your uncle passing. it must have really sucked to see his viscera splattered all over the street, his body having fallen from a comically oversized yet remarkably prescient billboard depicting a horribly deformed wolfman on its knees screaming "COMMUNISM-19 KILLED 100S OF MILLIONS—HOW MANY MORE FOR LIBERALS TO WAKE UP TO THE CHINESE THREAT?". watching him get drunk every thursday morning before going around town, spitting on old women attempting to cross the street while punting every puppy he came across was deeply inspiring to a younger me. may his nearly 450-lb frame rest eternally at peace, inshallah.

الّلھمَّ اغفِر لِحیّنا و مَیّتِنا و شَاھِدِنا و غَآ ئيبِنا

وصَغِیرِنا و َکبِیرِنا و ذَکَرِنا و اُنْثانا ۔ الّٰلھُمَّ

مَنْ أحْیَیْتَه مِنّا فأَحْیِهِ علیَ الایْمانِ الّلھُمَّ لا

تَحْرِمْنا أَجْرُہُ وَلا تُضِلَّنا بَعْدَہُ

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